Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 31 times)

Anon

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Jokes
« on: June 14, 2018, 10:15:30 PM »
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on an elderly man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.  En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"

The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window.  "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
Isaiah 40:31  ... but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Anon

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2018, 10:16:29 PM »
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was almost asleep when his wife started reflecting on all the love they had shared. The old gentleman is about asleep when she nudges him and says, "Honey, do you remember how we used to hug?"

The old gentleman says, "Yes, dear," and rolls over and gives her a big hug."

Then he was almost asleep again, when she nudges him and says "Honey do you remember how we used to kiss?"

"Yes, dear," and he rolls over and gives her a big kiss.

He was almost asleep when she again nudges him again and says, "Honey, do you remember how you used to nibble on my ear?"

The old guy throws off the covers, somewhat frustrated, sits up in bed, and gets up. The wife says, "What are you doing?" In an exasperated tone he says, "I'm going to go get my teeth."
Isaiah 40:31  ... but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Anon

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #2 on: June 18, 2018, 08:56:51 PM »
One day, an employee received an unusually large paycheck. She decided not to say anything about it.  The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss.  "How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?"

Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake but not two in a row!"
Isaiah 40:31  ... but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Anon

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #3 on: June 18, 2018, 08:59:32 PM »
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.   "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear everything there was! Wow!  Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.  He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
Isaiah 40:31  ... but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Anon

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2018, 09:30:04 PM »
They had been up in the attic together doing some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom what's this?"

"Oh that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.

"Well what does it do?" they asked.

"I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper.

She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.  "WOW!" they exclaimed, "that's really cool but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?"

"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."

"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.

"It doesn't need batteries either." she continued.

"Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"
Isaiah 40:31  ... but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Anon

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2018, 09:31:36 PM »
TEN RULES OF HOUSEKEEPING

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that  "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Johnny did this when he was two. I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."
Isaiah 40:31  ... but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Anon

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #6 on: July 04, 2018, 01:34:46 PM »
Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the road. One stops and says, "Damn it! I've lost an electron!"

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "I'm positive!"

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away?

A receding hare line!

A camel meets an elephant. The elephant asks jokingly: “Why do you have two breasts on your back?”

The camel replies: “With a face like yours, I’d just shut up.”

A woman was just taking a bath when she heard the doorbell. She thought she’d just pretend not to be home but then the ringer called, “Hello? Anybody home? I’m the blind guy!”

“Ah well, if he is blind I can go and open the door just like this. No need to dress.” thought the lady, hauled herself out of the bath and went to open the door.

“Wow,” said the guy waiting there, “you should be on a fitness studio advertisement!  Now, where should I put those blinds?”

Two mice meet and start chatting. “Look,” says one, “I’ve got a new boyfriend!” and shows the other mouse a picture on her phone. 

“OMG,” cries the other mouse, “that’s a bat!”   “What?! He told me he was a pilot!”

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barman looks at them coldly and asks "Is this some kind of joke?"

Two fonts walk into a bar.  The barman says, "Sod off.  We don't serve your type around here."
Isaiah 40:31  ... but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Anon

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2018, 09:31:12 PM »
 Head Scratchers...

Ponder these...

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Isaiah 40:31  ... but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Anon

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #8 on: July 17, 2018, 09:53:51 PM »
A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem.  That night the pastor's phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, "Pastor, I can't sleep."

"I’m so sorry to hear that," he comforted her.

"But what can I do about it?" the pastor said.

She sweetly replied, "Preach to me a while, pastor."
Isaiah 40:31  ... but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.